I know I’ve just written a post, but I feel compelled to write another. Following the posting of my first…post, I’ve been reading a couple of other peoples’ blogs and quite frankly, they’ve made me feel in awe, a little embarrassed and pretty inadequate.
I admire the candour, the authenticity, the bravery it takes to write some of these posts but (I feel I need to apologise for this) it makes me feel like I need to put on a show for the audience, whoever they might be. My blog has to be inspirational, emotional and impressively written. But it doesn’t, and it defeats the purpose of writing a blog doesn’t it? I want to be writing for me and not for show. I want to be talking about my good thoughts, my bad thoughts, my not-very-interesting thoughts.
I mentioned in my first (and only!) post that I was depressed for 2 years and a deep part of that was due to my need to validate myself, to try and prove to people that I was clever, that I mattered but without feeling like I had anything to back up these things. When I got a place to study medicine I had finally achieved something I was proud of, the only thing I feel proves I’m a good/intelligent/interesting person. I would find a way to work this into every business meeting, every new encounter, usually under a ‘tell me about your background/credentials’ prompt. The moment I mention that I could have been a doctor, I see the cock of the head, the encouraging smile, the smile of approval. I have people’s respect. I have their interest.
The problem with that, is that I can’t use that piece of my history to define me, because I’ll be defining myself by something I’m not. This may not sound particularly revelatory, but this is actually very difficult to say. in reality this may be the first time I’ve realised this.