Blogging

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I know I’ve just written a post, but I feel compelled to write another. Following the posting of my first…post, I’ve been reading a couple of other peoples’ blogs and quite frankly, they’ve made me feel in awe, a little embarrassed and pretty inadequate.

I admire the candour, the authenticity, the bravery it takes to write some of these posts but (I feel I need to apologise for this) it makes me feel like I need to put on a show for the audience, whoever they might be. My blog has to be inspirational, emotional and impressively written. But it doesn’t, and it defeats the purpose of writing a blog doesn’t it? I want to be writing for me and not for show. I want to be talking about my good thoughts, my bad thoughts, my not-very-interesting thoughts.

I mentioned in my first (and only!) post that I was depressed for 2 years and a deep part of that was due to my need to validate myself, to try and prove to people that I was clever, that I mattered but without feeling like I had anything to back up these things. When I got a place to study medicine I had finally achieved something I was proud of, the only thing I feel proves I’m a good/intelligent/interesting person. I would find a way to work this into every business meeting, every new encounter, usually under a ‘tell me about your background/credentials’ prompt. The moment I mention that I could have been a doctor, I see the cock of the head, the encouraging smile, the smile of approval. I have people’s respect. I have their interest.

The problem with that, is that I can’t use that piece of my history to define me, because I’ll be defining myself by something I’m not. This may not sound particularly revelatory, but this is actually very difficult to say. in reality this may be the first time I’ve realised this.

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Unstiching.

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Oh my goodness this is stressful. It’s like trying to rebrand Starbucks as a Sri Lankan fruit vendor. 

WordPress makes it look so simple. Google search. are you awesome? Why yes…I think so. At least, I think I should think I think so. 

But no, it’s click, and click and then what colours, what brand, what’s the title of your LIFE THOUGHTS AND EVERYTHING INBETWEEN? In short, who are you? 

WOAH, lets slow down a little. I was just hoping for a bit of a ramble, in a chat to the guy next to you in the cafe whilst you wait for your friend to arrive kind of way, I’m not looking to discover who I am via my digital branding options. 

Why I feel the need to do this online, I’m not sure. I could just write on a tax bill (old..its paid I promise) and throw it away after, but I guess there’s something thrilling about knowing there’s someone out there who could be reading my thoughts and my experiences. Problem is I don’t want anyone I actually know reading this,because it’s going to be pretty obvious to anyone who knows me who I am. Those bloggers who bare all online? I’m not one of them. I’m a bit of an extrovert in person but I’m a digital hermit. 

But I digress! Let me, cher(e) reader, tell you a little about me. 

I was offered a new job this week. I’ve been interning with an old client (I quit my old job when I realised I didn’t really want to be doing recruitment(don’t hate me!) for the rest for my life. Oh also, I think they wanted me gone anyway. I wasn’t really making them enough money. Truth is, I was going to be a doctor, an intensive care doctor to be precise. I spent 5 years trying to get there, failing, then trying again. at school my teachers said I wasn’t smart enough and that I shouldn’t even try for med school. My parents too, as loving as they were would say things like ‘you’re above average but you’re not REALLY clever’, so I didn’t get in first time round. 3 years of hard work later (2 years of depression in between) I got a place to study medicine in the UK. But it was too late, fees had gone up in the uk (from £3000 to £9000 per year) and the government wasn’t giving out loans for second degrees. But if I’m truly truthful that’s not the only reason I didn’t accept the offer. I just didn’t think I was good enough.